


If I go, I'm going

by gertiemcfuzz



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Presumed Dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:33:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5578657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gertiemcfuzz/pseuds/gertiemcfuzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kara felt her heart drop, she had memorized Cat’s itinerary, she didn’t need to wait for any official to tell her what she already knew. Cat was there when it happened, Cat was gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I go, I'm going

**Author's Note:**

> You guys, I'm really enjoying SuperCat Week so far! 
> 
> I hope you all like this one, it's a little angst-ier than the last few, but I promise a happy end.

Kara stood in the middle of the penthouse living room, eyes unseeing, ears full of white noise, the only thing keeping her grounded were the small hands that had a vice grip on her waist. She wasn’t sure how long she had been standing there, her own arms wrapped around Carter’s small frame, one hand on the back of his head keeping him firmly in place, pointed away from the news story that was still playing out on the muted television.

One minute they’d been having dinner at the coffee table, waiting for Jeopardy to start. Carter had been in the middle of insisting that he could outscore the winner, something Kara didn’t doubt in the slightest, when the breaking news report interrupted them.

Carter groaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get away with this! Even from London, Mom is sending a message for us not to eat in the living room.”

Kara just laughed, although she couldn’t help but be a little paranoid that Cat had somehow discovered their little rebellion. “Hey, hopefully it’s just something silly and we’ll still be able to catch part of the episode.” She tried to be optimistic, it was their last night with just the two of them and even though they were both missing Cat, it had been fun to have the one-on-one bonding time.

As the introduction graphics ended, the broadcast began like normal, “Good evening, I’m Lester Holt, bringing you breaking news from London. Police and firefighters are responding to what they believe to be an accident at a convention center. Earlier tonight a semi-tanker lost control and crashed into the center leaving behind a trail of destruction.”

Kara could feel the air leaving her lungs as she stood to get closer to the screen as though it would somehow give her the answers she was desperately seeking. Cat was in London for a press convention, she had insisted that Kara stay behind, National City might need her, and if Cat couldn’t be home with Carter then there was only one other person she trusted to be there with him. She may be a little lost without Kara there as her right hand, but the peace of mind she had knowing her son was being cared for by the woman who’d come to love him as much as Cat herself did was worth having to get her own lattes for a week.

“At this time, we are still uncertain about the circumstances of the crash, although it has been suggested that the driver of the tanker was intoxicated. The convention center in question was hosting a weeklong press event with media outlets all over the world.”

Kara became aware of Carter standing up next to her, reaching out with one hand to tightly grasp the edge of her sweatshirt. She lifted her left arm to pull him closer to her side, while never pulling her eyes from the screen.

“The tanker has been reported to have crashed into an auditorium on the west edge of the building. At the time of the crash, only a small handful of people were inside the room, apparently preparing to hear a speech from Nona de la Pena about her work in developing technology that would deliver news via a virtual reality experience. The speech was set to begin at 8:00pm, however a few media heads had been invited to meet with de la Pena beforehand to discuss the technology.

“The tanker reportedly crashed into the conference center just after this meeting had commenced. While de la Pena had left to prepare her materials for later that night, the four media personal had been invited to stay in the conference room as they were waiting for others to be invited in. Police and rescue crews are reporting that there were no survivors.

“At this time, out of respect for the victim’s families, the names of the victims will not be released until official notifications have been made. Stay with us all here at NBC as we continue to bring you the latest on this tragedy.”

Kara felt her heart drop, she had memorized Cat’s itinerary, she didn’t need to wait for any official to tell her what she already knew. Cat had been one of those invited to meet with the researcher before her speech. She had been in that part of the convention center when it was hit.

 She felt wetness hitting her arm and looked over to where Carter was, standing frozen in his place, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t need to be told that his mother was there, Cat had talking about this particular speech quite a bit, very intrigued but skeptical of the technology. Carter had been excited for her to come home and tell him all about it, the idea of getting to really experience a story about Supergirl was beyond cool.

Kara reached around and pulled him tightly to her, quickly grabbing the remote and muting the television before turning them so Carter couldn’t see the screen. She knew he didn’t need to have images of the wreckage burned into his mind for the rest of his life.

They stood together, arms tight around each other as though letting go would leave them both shattering into a million little fragments. It wasn’t until the shrill ring of Kara’s phone went off that either moved. Kara reached behind her to where her phone sat on the arm of the sofa, she willed it to be Cat, calling to say it was just a dumb mistake, the report was wrong, the police were wrong, that she’d gotten up just in time to go to the bathroom one last time before the speech started. Anything. _Just be okay._ Kara prayed to every god she’d ever heard of.

“Hello?” Her voice was deep and rough with emotion, cracking on the last syllable.

“Kara?”

Her heart sank all over again. “Alex.” She whispered her sister’s name like a prayer, she was trying so hard to hold herself together for the little boy that was gazing up at her like she was his last hope, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to hold out for long with Alex.

“I saw the news, Kara.” Alex told her, “I don’t want you to worry yet, we’re going to figure this out okay?” Alex, always the big sister, trying her hardest to keep the world from falling apart around her, even if it meant having to fill all the cracks with elmer’s glue.

Kara shook her head, listening to Alex’s words was clearing out the dust that had settled. “I should be there.” She said suddenly, “I should be looking for her.” In her arms Carter whimpered and he pressed himself in tighter to her.

“No, Kara, let us handle it. Please. Carter needs you.” As she looked down at the distraught boy, she knew her sister was right, this little boy may have just lost one parent, and Kara was the closest thing he had to a mother right now, she couldn’t leave him. She and Cat had agreed when they began seeing each other almost a year ago, Carter came first always, whether it was a school recital or a house fire, Carter always came first.

“You’re right, you’re right.” She agreed, pressing a kiss to Carter’s curls hoping he understood that she wasn’t going anywhere. “Alex, I need you-” Her voice cracked, “Find her, please.”

“I will.” She promised, “Listen, I’m going to come by the penthouse in a little while, I-” She wasn’t sure how to say the next part delicately, “I need something of hers, for the search teams.”

It made Kara’s stomach turn, the thought of the search dogs, of her partner’s lifeless body just waiting to be discovered among the wreckage. She turned her head upward, biting back her tears. She hummed out a response not trusting her voice. After a quick “I love you”, Alex hung up and Kara slipped her phone back in her pocket.

“Was that Alex?” Carter asked, his voice muffled from where he had his face buried into her shoulder.

“Yeah Sweetie,” She brushed her fingers through his curls, Cat was just telling them over skype last night that he needed to get them cut when she arrived home the next day. “She’s going to help us figure this all out, okay? She’s going to come by here soon to check on us and then she’s going to London to find Mom.” She promised, trying hard to choose her words carefully, she didn’t want to make him promises she couldn’t keep, but she wasn’t ready to tell him that his mom was really gone, at least not until Alex had all the facts.

“She’s coming here first?” He asked to be sure. He was completely enamored with Alex, maybe just as much as he was with Supergirl.  She was a real life scientist, with her own lab filled with the kinds of equipment he could only dream about. Cat Grant may be able to get her hands on the best money can buy but there were some things even she couldn’t get without government clearance.

“She promised that she’d be here soon.” Kara pulled back just enough that she could tilt Carter’s head up toward her. “Why don’t we go get our pajamas on and brush our teeth?” She asked, despite the fact that they had each barely had two bites of their dinner, Kara knew they weren’t finishing it, and hoped that having something to do would keep them both calm.

“Okay.” Carter agreed, his voice so dull in comparison to the happy chatter she was used to from him.

As they walked down the hall, Carter insisted that Kara stand and wait for him outside the bathroom, which she was more than willing to oblige. She remembered when she finally landed on earth, to her it felt like minutes since watching her planet explode behind her. She’d been attached to Eliza at the hip for months after Clarke brought her to them.

When Carter emerged a few minutes later, they walked hand-in-hand down to the master suite where Kara’s things were, she’d been spending more and more time at the penthouse, her own apartment had become more of a dumping ground for her mail, and in the week since Cat had left for London she hasn’t been there once.

As they stepped into the room, Kara gave Carter’s hand a small squeeze before heading toward the private bath to change and brush her teeth. When she came back out, she found Carter curled up under the blankets of his mother’s bed, comforter pressed close to his face breathing in her scent.

Rather than take him back out to the living room, she crawled in next to him, propping herself up on the headboard and opening her arms for him to snuggle in. Alex would find them just fine. Cat had insisted that she have her own key a few months earlier, in case of emergencies. Despite a rocky start, the two had warmed-up to each other when they both realized that the disdain they held for one another paled in comparison to the disdain they held for other people. Kara and Carter had taken to calling them the “Salt-Sisters”, which they both begrudged.

Without a task to distract him, Carter began to get upset again, shaking hard as the sobs wracked his body. He’d never felt so small in her arms before. She tightened her arms around him and started to rock him gently, beginning to hum softly, as she felt him relax a little, she added her voice. It wasn’t her best singing, her voice still raw with emotion but Carter didn’t seem to mind.

_“Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still and know that I am here_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still, be still, and know_

_When darkness comes upon you_

_And covers you with fear and shame_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_And I will say your name_

_If terror falls upon your bed_

_And sleep no longer comes_

_Remember all the words I said_

_Be still, be still, and know”_

She heard the lock to the door click, and briefly considered calling out to Alex to let her know where they were, but Carter’s sobs had just relaxed to a quiet sniffle, and she knew Alex would come looking for them anyway.

_“And when you go through the valley_

_And the shadow comes down from the hill_

_If morning never comes to be_

_Be still, be still, be still_

_If you forget the way to go_

_And lose where you came from_

_If no one is standing beside you_

_Be still and know I am_

_Be still and know that I'm with you_

_Be still and know I am”_

 

“You’re a little sharp tonight dear.” An unexpected voice piped up from the doorway.

In a flurry of movement, with equal choruses of “Mom!” and “Cat!”, Kara and Carter were out of the bed and wrapped around Cat before she had a chance to even say hello.

She was about to make a quip about how much they missed her when she heard Carter sob out “You’re not dead!”

“What?!” She exclaimed, looking to Kara for an explanation only to find her sobbing right along with her son.

“You’re not in London.” Kara croaked out.

“No, I decided to come back earlier, perks of having a private plane.” She tried to lighten the mood, still confused about what could be causing her loves so much turmoil.

Kara almost kicked herself, she hadn’t even thought to check the flight plans, not that she had any reason to, but still. “There was an accident at the convention center, in the auditorium you were supposed to be in. There-” Her voice cracked and she squeezed her eyes shut tight. “There were no survivors.” She choked out around her sobs.

“Oh my loves.” Cat whispered as she tightened her grip around them both. She couldn’t even imagine what they’d been going through, she worried enough as it was with Kara going out in all her invincibility, and anytime Carter was out of her sight she felt like she was on pins and needles.

They all heard the door open again, “Kara! Carter!” a voice called out.

“Back here.” Cat called back, hearing feet starting to shuffle down the hall.

“Cat?” Alex replied confused, but as she turned the corner and saw the three of them huddled together in the doorway of the master bedroom she nearly lost her balance in relief. “Oh, thank God!” She exclaimed. She couldn’t imagine watching her sister lose her family again.

She walked over to the trio, putting her hand on Cat’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze. The two weren’t all that touchy-feely with each other, but they were trying.

When they finally broke apart, Carter still keeping a tight grip on his mother’s dress as though he was afraid she’d disappear if he let go, while Kara had her hand wrapped tightly around one of Cat’s, Cat took the chance to explain that she had run into the Nona de la Pena earlier that morning and had convinced her to have coffee with her. The two had a chance to talk, and Cat decided she had no reason to stick around and listen to the same thing later that night, so she decided to come home early hoping to surprise Kara and Carter.

About an hour later, they were all seated in the living room once again when Alex stood up. “I should get going.” She told them.

“Why don’t you spend the night in the guest room?” Cat suggested, she knew that Alex usually liked to be close to Kara when she was upset.

“No, that’s okay,” Alex smiled, glad for the offer, “I should get back to work, fill everybody in, but I’ll come back in the morning for breakfast, okay?” She asked, directing the question to Kara, wanting to make sure her sister was okay with her leaving.

Kara nodded, standing up to give her a hug, whispering her thanks in her ear before letting go and letting Carter at her. When she pulled away from him, she turned to Cat, “I’m glad you’re okay.” She said sincerely.

Cat managed to disentangle herself from Kara and Carter just long enough to give Alex a short hug of her own. It was one of the most awkward and stunted things Kara had ever seen, but it was still enough to melt her heart. The two pulled back less than a second after it’d begun and made eye contact, Alex just nodded, there seemed to be a silent acknowledgement that Alex was okay with sharing her space as Kara’s “protector”. She gave one last wave to the three before heading out, back to the D.E.O.

An hour later, Cat lay in the middle of her king size bed, Carter fast asleep tucked into her right side, the events of that evening had caught up with him quickly but he refused to leave his mom’s side, which neither she nor Kara argued with.

On her left side lay Kara, still wide awake, the whole night having the opposite effect on her than on Carter. She was wired, every time she tried to close her eyes she would panic that she’d wake up alone, so instead she just listened to Cat’s heartbeat and traced out patterns on her pajama clad stomach.

When she was absolutely sure that Carter was sleeping deeply, she bent her head to meet Cat’s eye, reaching up to cup her face. “I was so scared.” She confessed in a whisper. The two of them didn’t do the mushy heartfelt thing often, but tonight, after everything, in the darkness of their room, with the heartbeats of the two people she loved most acting like metronomes to her thoughts, she just couldn’t help herself.

Any other day, Cat may have hushed her and dismissed the whole thing with a sound kiss, but she knew that tonight, after all the loss Kara had suffered in her past, she needed this. “I’m right here my love.” She whispered back, reaching her own hand around to tangle it in Kara’s long blonde waves.

 “If anything ever happened to you…” Kara trailed off, a haunted look on her face.

“Nothing is going to happen.” Cat promised.

“You don’t know that!” Kara insisted quietly.

“Kara,” Cat sighed, “You’re just scared, tonight was a lot to take in-” She started but Kara cut her off, not wanting to be dismissed so easily.

“No,” She insisted, “You don’t understand, you…” She needed a moment to gather her thoughts and was glad when Cat gave it to her.

“I love you,” She started again after a few minutes, “I love you so much, that I can feel it running through me, and Carter…”

 _“And Carter,”_ she thought. She’d never expected to love him as much as she did. She reached her hand across Cat and stroked his face. This sweet boy, who was closer to being an adult than a baby. When she and Cat had begun dating, she’d kind of expected that she’d take on something akin to the cool-aunt role with him, she’d already missed so much of his childhood, and her younger age made her think he didn’t need her to be a parent. But she’d soon discovered that Carter’s father had taken on the cool-uncle persona for so much of his life that he didn’t need another adult in his life letting him down that way. Without really noticing it, she’d stepped up and become the closest thing to a second parent he’d ever had, she hadn’t been flawless, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“If anything ever happens to you, then I lose him too, and my family is gone all over again.” She hoped Cat understood how important this was. “Losing them was horrible, but I was so young, I didn’t understand. Losing this,” She punctuated her words with a gesture to the two Grants, “It would destroy me, I-I-I,” She was at a loss for just how to describe what she was feeling.

“Tomorrow,” Cat started, reaching her hand under Kara’s chin to make sure she was listening, “Tomorrow, I will have papers drafted. If anything ever happens to me, nobody will take him from you. If this is really what you want.” She promised.

“His father?” Kara questioned, knowing his parental rights would trump hers any day.

“If I have to destroy everything he loves to make him sign the papers I will.” She swore, and Kara could tell she meant every word, and she had no doubt she could make it happen too.

“You’re sure?” Kara asked, she didn’t want to overstep.

“He loves you, and I love you.” She said simply. “Even if you decide to trade me in for a younger model tomorrow, he deserves you in his life forever.”

“Never.” Kara promised, placing a kiss just above Cat’s heart.

They were silent for a few moments, and Cat was sure her love’s mind had finally settled enough for her to fall asleep, when Kara piped up one last time. “Take Alex with you.”

“What?” Cat asked confused.

“If you’re going to go around busting kneecaps,” Kara giggled a little, “Take Alex with you.”

“Hmm,” Cat hummed, considering it. “Okay,” She agreed, “It’d probably be a good bonding experience.” She admitted, feeling Kara try to hold in chuckles against her chest.

“You two are so weird.”

“But you love us.” Cat reminded her.

“More than anything else.” She promised.

And finally, with her head nestled on Cat’s chest, and a hand sprawled across them to rest on Carter’s back, Kara closed her eyes and slept.

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you guys think?
> 
> Also worth noting, Nona de la Pena is a real person who is doing virtual reality reporting research. I haven't seen her speech yet, but it totally seemed like the kind of thing Cat would be interested in. 
> 
> And the song I used was Be Still by The Fray, I don't often include a full song in my writing, but it seemed fitting. Here is the link should you want to check it out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vtp-p7qFI2I
> 
> Thanks!


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